The Journal of an Honest Mom

I’ve been thinking about marriage lately.

More specifically, I’ve been thinking about how often we get so caught up in our day-to-day responsibilities that we forget to acknowledge the person we’re doing life with.

And I don’t necessarily mean that in a bad way.

Life gets busy. We have jobs, children, bills, laundry, dishes, and approximately 400 other things that need our attention.

And somewhere in the middle of all that, we can get so accustomed to our spouse doing their part that we forget to acknowledge they’re doing it.

Which got me thinking about sports.

Now, I love sports. And one thing you’ll notice when watching a basketball game is how often teammates encourage one another.

Somebody makes a good play? High-five.

Somebody falls? A teammate offers them a hand.

Somebody is exhausted? They get a water break.

And sometimes, when things aren’t going particularly well, a teammate just needs somebody to come alongside them and say, “Hey, you’ve got this.”

Nothing elaborate.

Just a little encouragement.

So why is it that we sometimes forget to do that in marriage?

We’re on the Same Team

My husband and I have different responsibilities.

He has his work. I have mine. And together, we’re raising four boys and trying to maintain some sense of order in our home.

Some days that goes better than others.

But here’s the thing.

I trust my husband to take care of his responsibilities.

Never once has that been a concern of mine, and I hope and pray he’s never had reason to question whether I’ll take care of mine.

We both know there are things that need to be done, and we do our best to get them done.

But just because I expect my husband to handle his responsibilities doesn’t mean I shouldn’t acknowledge the effort he’s putting into them.

And the same goes for me.

I don’t necessarily need a standing ovation because I washed the dishes.

Although, depending on how many dishes were in the sink, I wouldn’t turn one down.

But I do appreciate hearing, “Hey, thank you for doing the dishes today.”

Because sometimes that’s all it takes.

Just knowing that somebody noticed.

That somebody recognized the effort.

That the things I spend my days doing aren’t completely invisible to the person I’m doing them with.

And I want my husband to feel that same appreciation.

I don’t want him to spend his days working, handling responsibilities, and doing what he needs to do for our family without ever hearing that I recognize his efforts.

Because I do.

And I don’t want to become so accustomed to what he does that I forget to tell him.

Sometimes Your Teammate Just Needs a High-Five

Think about it.

When a basketball player makes a good pass, their teammates acknowledge it.

Now, making a good pass is part of playing basketball.

That’s what they’re supposed to do.

But nobody is standing there saying, “Well, why should I high-five him? That’s his job.”

They recognize the effort anyway.

And I think marriage should be like that.

Yes, I know my husband is supposed to contribute to our family.

Yes, he knows I’m supposed to contribute to our family.

But why should that stop us from encouraging one another?

Sometimes I just need him to notice that I folded the laundry.

Even if I told him I was going to fold it two weeks ago.

Listen.

The laundry is folded.

We’re not going to discuss the timeline.

We’re going to celebrate the accomplishment.

Thank you very much.

And sometimes my husband needs me to acknowledge something he’s accomplished, even if it’s something he does every single day.

Because encouragement doesn’t have to be reserved for extraordinary things.

Sometimes it’s the ordinary things that deserve a little recognition.

Especially when those ordinary things are what keep our family going.

And Sometimes Your Teammate Needs a Water Break

Another thing I’ve noticed about sports is that even the best players need rest.

They need a moment to sit down.

They need water.

They need somebody else to step in for a little while.

And nobody questions whether they’re still a valuable member of the team simply because they need a break.

But in marriage, I think we sometimes forget that.

We get so caught up in our own responsibilities, our own exhaustion, and our own frustrations that we don’t always notice when our spouse is running on empty.

And I think that’s something we have to be intentional about.

Sometimes my husband needs some time to himself.

Sometimes I need a little help.

Sometimes I need a break.

And sometimes, quite frankly, I just need a hug.

That’s it.

I don’t need him to fix everything.

I don’t need him to have all the answers.

Sometimes I just need a hug.

And I think it’s important that we recognize those moments in one another.

Because we’re not competing to see who has the harder job.

We’re not trying to determine who is more exhausted or who has accomplished more throughout the day.

At least, we shouldn’t be.

We’re on the same team.

And sometimes being a good teammate means recognizing when the other person needs a little encouragement, a little help, or a moment to catch their breath.

Our Children Are Watching

And here’s another reason I think this is so important.

Our children are watching us.

They’re watching how we treat one another.

They’re watching how we communicate.

They’re watching how we respond when the other person is frustrated or overwhelmed.

And they’re watching whether we acknowledge the things we do for one another.

Let’s say my husband comes into the kitchen and says, “Hey, thank you for washing the dishes today.”

Nothing particularly exciting about that conversation.

But our boys hear it.

And maybe the next day, one of them comes up to me and says, “Mommy, thank you for washing my plate.”

Now, did I wash his plate because I expected him to thank me?

Of course not.

He’s my child. I’m going to take care of him.

But I would certainly appreciate him recognizing that I did something for him.

And more importantly, I’d be happy that he’s learning to recognize the efforts of other people.

Because that’s something I want my boys to carry into adulthood.

One day, Lord willing, they’ll have families of their own.

And I hope their wives get to experience that same encouragement.

I hope my boys grow into men who recognize when their wives are working hard.

Men who are willing to step in and help when something needs to be done.

Men who understand that just because somebody is expected to do something doesn’t mean their efforts should go unnoticed.

And I hope their wives offer them that same encouragement.

Because marriage is a team effort.

And I don’t want my children to grow up believing that marriage is simply two people living in the same house, completing their individual responsibilities, and calling it a day.

There’s more to it than that.

Or at least, I believe there should be.

Don’t Get So Busy That You Forget Your Teammate

I think that’s really what I’m trying to remind myself of.

It’s easy to get caught up in the motions of everyday life.

Wake up. Get the kids ready. Work. Cook. Clean. Do laundry. Pay bills. Go to bed.

And then wake up and do it all over again.

And somewhere along the way, we can start treating our spouse’s efforts like they’re just another part of the routine.

Something we expect.

Something we don’t really think about anymore.

But I don’t want that.

I don’t want my husband to think his work has gone unnoticed.

And I certainly don’t want to feel like all the invisible work I do throughout the day is actually invisible to him.

I want us to notice one another.

Not because we need constant praise.

Not because either of us deserves an award for doing what needs to be done.

But because we’re sharing a life together.

We’re sharing a home.

We’re sharing a bed.

We’re raising children together.

And if there’s anybody whose efforts we should be recognizing, shouldn’t it be the person we’re doing all of that with?

Sometimes all it takes is a thank-you.

Sometimes it’s a hug.

Sometimes it’s stepping in and helping without being asked.

And sometimes it’s simply recognizing that your spouse has had a long day and could use a little encouragement.

Nothing complicated.

Just being intentional about seeing one another.

Because if we can encourage our friends, our children, our coworkers, and everybody else around us, surely we can remember to encourage our spouse.

The person we’re building a life with.

The person we’re supposed to be working alongside.

Our teammate.

So here’s my little reminder, to myself as much as anybody else:

Don’t get so busy doing life with your spouse that you forget to appreciate them along the way.

And if your spouse finally folded that laundry they’ve been talking about for two weeks?

Give them a high-five.

We don’t need to discuss how long it took.

The job is done.